Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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