My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
