So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
