and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
