the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
