So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
