I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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