i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
