just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
