Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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