I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
