I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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