My hand turned me down
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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