You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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