Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
