you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize