He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
