Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
