The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I didn't notice because vodka
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
