Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
