We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
