getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is Oprah even human
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
