youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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