I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
