I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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