I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I need a beard to bite.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
