Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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