He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
