well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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