i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
