theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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