I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
