Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
