Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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