Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
