Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
