Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
