chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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