I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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