I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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