where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
