Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my being single is dangerous.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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