Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
