Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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