Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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