i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
