if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
