Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
