He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
