i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
