I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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