i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
