My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
