Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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