So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
