is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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