I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
