My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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