I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
